How to Plan a Financial Meeting With Your Spouse

It's not uncommon for one spouse to be the primary decision-maker when it comes to managing a couple's money. But this approach can have consequences.

For one, a lack of "cognitive diversity"—the inclusion of varied viewpoints when making decisions—may lead to narrow thinking and faulty decision-making, which can undermine financial performance. More important, if the spouse with an exclusive hold on all that financial knowledge becomes incapacitated or dies, the other spouse may find themselves at sea financially as well as emotionally.

"Part of my basic responsibilities includes involving both spouses," says Anna Sinatra, CFP^®, a senior financial planner for Schwab Wealth Advisory based in Phoenix. "If the worst were to happen, we want to make certain the surviving spouse has the familiarity and confidence to successfully take the reins."

That said, the move toward co-piloting your finances can sometimes be a difficult shift. "It's important to extend each other grace and to remember you're on the same team, not opposing sides," says Ruth Easterling, director of family dynamics at Schwab. "Even if one partner continues to manage day-to-day money matters, establishing a regular 'meeting of the minds' can be rewarding for both partners—and your finances."

Here are five ways to help make the process as productive as possible.

To establish a regular habit, it's best to designate a specific day—say, the midpoint of the year—and put it on both your calendars. Then, a week or two before your meeting, share any important financial statements and other documents to review in advance.

"It can be overwhelming to cover multiple big topics in a single meeting—especially initially," says LisAnne Beard, CFP^®, a Schwab financial planner based in Englewood, Colorado. If that's the case, you might decide to schedule quarterly or semiannual meetings that tackle individual pieces of your financial puzzle (see "Have an agenda").

Consider conducting your meetings at a neutral location outside your home, where both partners are on equal footing and you're less likely to be interrupted. "One client told me she and her partner make a date night out of it," LisAnne says. "They have dinner in a quiet corner of a favorite restaurant, whereas at home it's easier to voice conflict and let emotions take over."

Every couple is different, but a comprehensive financial review should cover some fundamental discussion points:

Going over your recurring expenses lets both spouses know when bills are due and how they're paid, and provides an opportunity to streamline unnecessary services. "It seems obvious, but a lot of expenses are on autopilot and can fly under the radar," LisAnne says. "Taking the time to look at where your money is going can lead to redeploying funds in more productive ways."

"Once you're aligned on the basics, you can turn your attention to your net worth," LisAnne says. How much do you have saved in various investment, retirement, and savings accounts? What about other assets, such as life insurance policies, pensions, and real estate? And, of course, examine your debts—including a conversation about paying down any revolving lines of credit. "As you review your assets and liabilities, discuss what's changed over the past year, what's working well, and what could improve," she adds.

When reviewing your individual and shared investments, it's a good idea to assess their performance and growth prospects, as well as your overall diversification and risk tolerance. "This process often reveals gaps or overlaps in your portfolios that might otherwise go overlooked," Anna says. "Ironing out these wrinkles can help ensure your assets are working together rather than at cross purposes."

"Many of us save diligently for the future without really discussing what that might look like," LisAnne says. "When was the last time you talked about your goals, both individually and as a couple?" The answer to that could require you to adjust your financial plan. For example, the age at which you both intend to retire might affect your savings rate.

"These conversations can sometimes feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable, since financial goals are often tied to personal values, dreams, and fears," Anna adds. "But sharing these with your spouse can also help you create a balanced, fulfilling future that honors your individual and shared ambitions."

No one likes to think about the worst happening, but setting up an estate plan can actually remove some anxiety around subjects like long-term care, incapacity, and death.

"Estate planning is a big topic and likely deserves its own dedicated meeting," LisAnne says. "However, at a minimum you should use this time to review the various aspects of your estate plan—including your trust and will documents, beneficiary designations, powers of attorney, and executor and trustee appointments—to ensure everything still reflects your wishes." If anything needs updating, make a list of action items to discuss with your estate attorney.

"Two people are rarely on the same page about everything," Ruth says. In fact, 3 in 4 married or cohabiting Americans say financial decisions caused tension in their relationship, according to a survey by the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants.¹

Often, one partner wants to invest more aggressively than the other. Or one isn't afraid to spend in retirement while the other is more concerned with preserving wealth. "Remember, it can be valuable to have a diversity of opinions, rather than to let one person's financial style dominate," Ruth says. "When given the opportunity to share their thinking, the less-involved partner's perspective often leads to strategies that improve the couple's overall financial picture."

As you discuss your differences, try to remember that financial beliefs often have deep roots. Were you raised in a home where money was discussed easily and openly—or did the subject provoke arguments and instill fear? "You and your spouse's histories can have a profound effect on how you approach your finances today," Ruth says.

That's one reason it's important to ask open-ended questions and listen to your spouse's viewpoint instead of, say, biding your time until it's your turn to speak. "I will sometimes ask each partner to put themselves in the other's shoes and even summarize what they've just heard," LisAnne says.

It's an exercise she uses to encourage not only empathy but also compromise. "For example, a couple may opt to set aside some money for the partner with the more aggressive investing style, while protecting the bulk of their assets from significant market swings—a classic win-win."

A trusted third party, such as a financial advisor or planner, can help create an atmosphere of cooperation and understanding, particularly when it comes to difficult topics. What's more, a financial plan that addresses both partners' concerns and goals is often not only more equitable but also more financially sound. "Again, two heads are better than one, particularly when it comes to our blind spots," LisAnne says.

If conflicts are keeping you from making progress on your financial goals, it may be time to seek outside help.

LisAnne recalls one husband who wanted to give the couple's children the maximum annual gift tax exclusion amount each year, while the wife was concerned about longevity risk, or the possibility the couple's retirement savings might run out.

"Once I was able to show her that such gifts were well within their budget, she was more open to the idea," LisAnne says. "In the end, they agreed to smaller annual gifts, with possible increases over time."

Even if both partners feel adequately involved in their shared finances—and are ready to take control should the worst come to pass—meeting periodically can help foster a stronger union. "A regular check-in is an opportunity to step back, reflect on your progress, and celebrate the achievements you've made together," Anna says.